am i really not doing my part right? did i make your life so unbearable that you have to go drinking whenever im not here? and i nag becoz u drink so much and stay out late when im not there to look out for u, so u get annoyed so u drink more? in a way it sounds so goddamn juvenile. is life so uninteresting that u have to go drinking to spice it up every week? i really dun understand drinking, i wish i do, and i wish i do drink, so i can go too. and maybe that'll spice up my life too? and fucking annoyed at whoever the rude bitch is telling her to hang up when she was on the fone with me. i mean who the f does she think she is? and i dun even know her. maybe some people are just born rude and dun even know it. f-ing annoying. and her ex fucking msged her on fb? i mean wtf is it and wtf does she want? goddamn that bitch, i would make her life living hell if i could. even if we didnt meet under such circumstances i prolly would've hated her anyway. don't she dare barge into our lives again. im prepared to fight watever is to come. why am i filled with such negativity and hatred? hell if i didnt have family, if i wasnt sagittarius, im pretty sure i'd have done away with myself already. wat is the point in life again? im pretty sure it's not to hate. but cannot get past hatred. self-hatred included. can't even stop hating myself. weed induced it so acutely in ams, im pretty sure never gonna do any drugs again. maybe alcohol would do the same, wouldnt risk it. somehow i feel like i dun fit in coz i dun drink. i dun like drunk people, and i would prefer if i wasnt sober. and am pretty sure her friends will be more accepting if i actually drank and would play stupid drinking games until i puke. so in a way that fucking bitch prolly fit in her life more. they could go drink day and night. i mean, drunk people isnt even thinking straight, isnt it up to the sober one to bring drunk one home and remind drunk ones of responsibilities? esp when drunk ones already pukes. i actually don't mind going drinking with her. its her who minds me not drinking and being responsible and reasonable when she drinks. its her who minds that i dun play stupid drinking games coz i do not fucking drink. maybe should start drinking. but why kill more of my organs? why suffer the aftermath of alcohol? so alcohol could finish me up sooner if nicotine does not do the job? am i so unreasonable that i wouldnt want her to go drinking when im not there? wouldnt it be a natural feeling? i mean, im pretty sure she wouldnt want me to go clubs/bars when she's not there. i just dun have a reason to test that limit. i cannot sleep until she gets home safely. is that unreasonable too? why do i make sense to myself then? and its 3.30 am and she's still drinking with rude bitches who tells her to hang up on me and not going home yet. have 10 hour flight tomorrow coming back. but cannot help fact that cannot sleep until she gets home safely. still shiver at the memory of not finding her at home when i get back 8am in the morning. shudder at thoughts of wat could've happened that caused her absence. isnt it just normal courtesy and responsibility to your partner to let them know you are safe and not let them worry? why am i the only one keeping my side of the deal? geez is there a less annoying way to urge her to go home? not like she doesnt have work tmr. omg i really hate my life. and really hate myself for not being able to end it. too much sense of responsibility. | 
